Yes....it's taken me over a month to write my first post. Call it procrastination. I'm a master. But as I sit here in this hotel room, I feel....inspired. I have my classical piano music playing in the background. My "zoo" is asleep on the bed. I'm stoked that I am finally closing on my first home tomorrow! But I won't be the first to tell you, that sitting in this environment, alone, so many feelings start to flood your head. Yes there is the excitement I mentioned, but with that comes doubt, anger, resentment, loneliness, anxiety....shall I go on? Did I mention it's freezing in here?! Damn hotel thermostats are finicky little creatures.
Doubt, a status between belief and disbelief, involves uncertainty or distrust or lack of sureness of an alleged fact, an action, a motive, or a decision. Buying a house! WOW!! I'm 33 and finally taking the big step at owning my first home!! Nothing massive or fancy, but it will be mine! To do with what I want. What a huge commitment! As a very wise woman I know said to me "Up to your asshole is debt!" Gee thanks! Do I paint it this color or that? Did I just bite off more than I can chew? What if something breaks? Can I fix it? Oh mercy! Did your head just start spinning too?
Anger, a strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong; wrath; ire. Neither of us have the time or mental strength to deal with the anger issues I have. Don't get me wrong. I am not a person that walks around angry at the world. Far from it actually. Not sure who came up with the saying "Those that anger you, control you", but it has changed my life. So we will move on for now. That may be another blog in itself!
Resentment, the feeling of displeasure or indignation at some act, remark, person, etc., regarded as causing injury or insult. The only thing currently injured is my feelings. Let me just start by telling you that I moved down to Podunk East Texas from a bigger Podunk Texas for my daughter who has struggled the last few years with mental illness and drug abuse (yes I'm 33 and have a daughter old enough to abuse drugs). I thought it would be best for her to get out of rehab and start over in a new place with new friends and a new identity. She had built in friends here with 5 cousins, two of my sisters, and a head start on fitting in. That lasted about 3 months and she left me to go back to her old friends and old identity. I love my job as a nurse in a local ER and decided to stay. I resent the fact that she left me, that I moved my entire life for her and she didn't care. I wish she was here with me and we were moving into our first home together. But enough of that drama, I've had 5 months to dwell on that issue and I really just need to get over it and move on. Maybe I will....
Loneliness, no definition needed. OK....I see where I am headed with this post. Depressing!!! I guess my point I want to make, is that no matter what thoughts you have in your head when you are sitting in a cold dark hotel room (isn't there a song about that??) you make the choice of how you WANT to feel. Push the doubt, anger, resentment, loneliness, and anxiety away! I am choosing now to feel only excitement for my big day tomorrow!!!
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