Our San Antonio Trip 2017

I know it's been a while since I've blogged- Thinking I need to get back to it- Take some time for myself- Express myself and so on....

My wife and I recently took a trip around Texas- first to San Antonio to see her son- We first stopped off in Ennis, Texas for my first drive-in movie!! It was awesome!!! We watched 50 Shades Darker hehehe- That was an experience- Me being the shy type, I hunkered down in my seat as though someone might actually see me lol!! Hello! It's dark outside and you aren't from here!! Who gives a flip! So we enjoyed the movie and went back to the hotel for a great night's sleep (wink wink)

The next day we took off to Gruene, Tx to explore the quaint little down town tourist area

Like I said, it was precious!!!

Later on that evening we headed into San Antonio to meet my step son for the first time!! He is an amazing young man! My poor wife was a nervous wreck!

But all in all it turned out to be an amazing visit and introduction. My heart was a little bigger after meeting this man. My stomach was a little bigger too after an amazing steak! LOL

The next morning we traveled toward San Antonio- Stopping off at the Natural Bridge Drive Through Safari- My wife has never had this experience, so we thought "why not?" We had a blast!

Then we traveled down the road a little and stopped off at the Natural Bridge Caverns- If you've never done this before I would recommend it- it's quite a workout climbing all those steps, but totally worth it.

After getting settled in at the Sheraton on the Riverwalk in San Antonio, we took a nice relaxing stroll down the river walk, ate with the ducks running around our feet- listened to live music and enjoyed each others' company for the first time in a while! It was awesome!

The next morning, we got up and started our way up north to see my family. On our way out of town we stopped at the missions on the Mission Trail in San Antonio- I took hundreds of photos, but I'll only bore you with a few

They were beautiful places to visit and I plan on going back again. The rest is was a road trip to the Texas Panhandle to visit family and friends then a drive back to East Texas. Thanks for reading!!

Finding Myself

So here it is....I got what I wanted. An opportunity to find myself. I have gone through a break-up, a scare with my health, ups and downs, love, and loss. So much in a month and a half. You would be amazed at how much can happen in such a short time.
I read an article several months ago that really touched me and made so much sense. If I could find it now, I would share it with you. Basically, it described how to find yourself, and that meant being alone. To get rid of all the distractions...... the noise.....and just be alone with your thoughts. She's been gone almost a month now and all I have done thus far is try to fill that space with distractions and noise. Quite the opposite of what I needed to be doing. I went through the "I don't want to's". Where I would sit on the couch and just stare out the window. Not really wanting to talk to anyone. Hell, not even myself. I don't mean in that crazy "talk to yourself" sense.
I have found that it takes time for that voice inside you to wake and introduce itself again. Like I said, it was just quiet at first. I didn't like that so much, and began filling that void with people and things. Texting, talking to others, going and doing things. Trying to find that connection again with another human being. I have a feeling I was going about it all wrong. I didn't have the patience for myself....
This morning I woke and heard something. That "quiet" again. I tried to push it away unknowingly. I picked up my phone, turned on my music, started cleaning house....filling a void. Then I remembered what I had set out to do. Not fill a void with "things", but to accept that void as part of me. Understand it...love it. That's when I really heard it. "Hey there. It's been a long time. Where have you been". It was me....that inner voice I had lost in the chaos and destruction called life. At first, I dismissed it as just another distraction. Then a single tear fell down my cheek. I'm not a crier and quite honestly said "what the hell?" out loud in my living room. It really was me. The true, clear voice inside. She was there. She hadn't abandoned me after all. We have a lot to catch up on, and I am really looking forward to it. As uncomfortable as it may be. I look forward to the deep soul searching that is to come, the understanding, the realization of who I truly am, the grief and pain. But most of all I am looking forward to the peace, happiness, and getting to know her again.

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 7

Good morning again!! I am desperately awaiting my coffee to finish percolating! Today's challenge is: What is your dream job?
That's super easy! I already have my dream job! I'm an RN and love almost every minute of it. Yes we all have those days when we think "Oh Lord! What did I sign up for!?!?!" But for the most part, it is amazing! I started out in ICU after graduating and have recently moved to the ER. It was one of the best decisions I have ever made. The nurses I work with are top-notch and have really taught me alot. Which is good, because I love to learn new and exciting things. We see it all in the ER. From simple colds to....well you can imagine.
Simple question today, so I will leave it with a simple answer. Goodnight!

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 6

Good morning world! Work was great last night....for a Friday! Again I am looking forward to sharing with you all a piece of me. As hard as it is to be brutally honest with complete strangers, it is a freeing experience. Granted I know friends and family read this as well, and that has it's own set of disadvantages. You are afraid of writing something that may hurt some one's feelings or an obscure sentence that is taken in the wrong context. Here's my advice: It is what it is. Don't read between the lines.
So today's challenge is: What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced? Well...for starters...it was a group of experiences that pushed me to my limits of understanding, tolerance, patience, and perseverance. Needless to say, I was at the end of my rope by the time I was done. It was thread-bare and raw. With every emotion exposed for anyone who cared to notice. These experiences were all part of a bigger picture.....walking the road alongside my daughter and her drug-addicted madness. 
I really could go all the way back to her childhood and point out things that, I now know, were leading her and I down such a rocky road. One that would nearly push us both over the edge of a never ending chasm. That one word....chasm...is so profound to me. "A yawning fissure in the earths' surface" or "a sundering breach in relations, as a divergence of opinions, beliefs, etc., between people." But for sake of time and emotional energy, I will tell you about the beginning, middle, and the end. The rest, I assure you, can be filled in without words.  
We moved to a city shortly after I graduated LVN school in May 2011.  Better job opportunities for myself, and hopefully more opportunities for my daughter to fit in. You see, Bri was in what I will call her dark period. The dark clothes, the dark makeup, screaming music, and whatever else she could find to make me cringe. I tried my best to be accepting of the new style she had adopted, but the little town we came from was more than "old school". By moving to a bigger school system, my hopes were that she would fit in better. Boy did she ever!! She started hanging out with kids like her. At first they seemed innocent enough. Possibly kids just going through that phase in their life just like Bri was. By December of that year, things got a whole lot darker. Her choice in friends got shadier, her actions became defiant to say the least, and we started arguing more. She tried to kill herself with 35 Excedrin and superficially cutting at her wrists. It was an obvious cry for help that thankfully I noticed. She woke me in the middle of the night to tell me what she had done. I rushed her to the local ER for treatment. After 3 days in the PICU and another week in the mental hospital, she decided that what she had done was wrong and she wanted to do better. Unfortunately it was short-lived. Within 6 months, she had started smoking K-2, running away after I called the police to report she had drugs in my home, and finally ending up in a drug house 3 blocks away. This was more than terrifying. I searched for her for 5 days before I cornered a young man who was a known accomplice of hers. I threatened him within an inch of his life to obtain the information I needed to bring my 14 year old baby home. I carried her out of that drug house that day and a piece of me died inside. She was covered in scabs from the "pills" (filled with meth) she had been taking and had been bitten by bed bugs. You see, I found her passed out cold on a dirty mattress in the middle of what appeared to be a kitchen with very little clothes on. I took her back to the ER and had her directly admitted to the mental hospital again to have her detoxed so we could admit her to a drug rehab facility in south Texas. Don't get me wrong, I was absolutely terrified. But I was so thankful that she was alive, and I looked at it as a blessing and an opportunity to get my child back. During the nine weeks she was in rehab, I was at peace. Yes, I said peace. I no longer had to worry about where she was or who she was with. I knew exactly where she was and that she was getting the help she so desperately needed. Again, this was short-lived. She escaped 9 weeks into the program and found 5 days later by the police because she was caught shoplifting food from a grocery store. 
Let's jump ahead to December of 2013. After multiple violations of the law and her probation, she was court ordered to a juvenile detention center 4 hours from home. Let's just say it took ALOT of phone calls on my part to make this happen. I had to turn my back on my child in court and tell the judge that I did not feel safe with my child in my home any longer. Of course this was due to the fact she threatened to kill me, would not let me leave my home, and bent a very heavy skillet by swinging it at my head and hitting the counter instead. 
6 months later she was released in June 2014 because she hit a fellow "inmate" which was grounds for immediate dismissal from the program. The day before her birthday to be exact. I had graduated RN school the previous month and had found a job down here in East Texas. Closer to two of my sisters, nieces, and nephews. Hey! A built-in support group. I up-rooted my entire life to try to give Bri a fresh start. Away from all the bad influences and existing friends. She would have easily fallen back into the same habits. So I picked her up from the local JDC with my car loaded down and the dog in the back seat, and we headed south. She was excited to be out and starting over. I told her she could re-invent herself. No judgements, and no preconceived ideas of who she was. Things were rocky, but good. By September, she was done playing the nice game and went a little bizerk for lack of a better word. She convinced her dad to come get her and move her back up to West Texas. She left me....again. She informed me she was an adult now at 17 and there was nothing I could do about it. The police officer I spoke with agreed....unfortunately. 
I have found my own way of coping. Effective? Probably not. But it works for me. I pray one day she will grow up and understand the decisions I made for her when she was incapable. The thing that has probably helped me the most, is NARANON. Like ALANON but for families of people abusing narcotics. I went for a while when Bri was in the first drug rehab. It built a foundation that I could stand on. Sturdy and strong. The one proverb that has gotten me through most anything with Bri...."Let go with love". It means that I can love her with my whole heart, but I am no longer a victim of her demise. She will make her choices no matter what I think or say. Or even how much I love her. I do love her deeply and can't wait for the day she returns my calls or texts or instant messages. She will....I know it....

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 5

How appropriate that today's challenge would be: What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now? Not really feeling this whole blog thing today, and was just thinking last night "What did I sign up for!?!?" Maybe this reflection on all things good in my life right now will help wash away the "I don't want to's"

1. My home!!! I am a new home owner. No the home is not "new", but it is new to me. It is my own space where I can add touches of this and that, and it belongs to me. I can run around with my hair a mess and no bra, or I can even run around naked if I want to. HAHA No, there are no neighbors so I don't have to worry too much about that. 
2. A very special someone in my life. You know you are. You make me so very happy :)
3. My "zoo"! Yes they drive me absolutely insane, but I wouldn't trade them for anything. When the cats think I should be paying attention to them instead of posting to my blog, a "head bump" makes it worth it. When the dogs need to go back outside after just coming back in, the unconditional love they give in return makes me smile.
4. My job!! I absolutely LOVE what I do. Being an ER nurse is my dream job and the most rewarding career I've ever had.
5. My family and friends! I have an amazing and supportive group of people surrounding me. No matter how long we go between phone calls or texts, I always know they are there for me and love me just as much as I love them.  

It's a short and sweet one today. Thanks for reading as always. Have to work tonight, so I better rest a while and get back to the job I love and what makes me happy!!! I feel better already.....

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 4

Good Morning!!! Hope everyone had sweet dreams, woke well rested, and ready for an amazing day!!! Today's challenge is: List 10 things you would tell your 16 year old self, if you could. This could be a tough one, but here it goes! These are not in any particular order of importance except for #1....

1. Your life does not end when you have a child....it's just the beginning to a new story. 
2. Feeling "different" is OK!
3. Liking girls instead of boys is OK!
4. Trust your gut.  If it feels wrong, then it is very very wrong. But if it feels right, go for it with all you have! Don't worry about what others think.
5. Follow your dreams sooner rather than later. 
6. You are beautiful just the way you are.You will eventually grow into all that curly hair and freckles.
7. High school will end and so will all the mean words and rumors. Those that matter don't mind, and those that mind won't matter 5 years from now.
8. Never lose the "I'll show you and prove you wrong" attitude, because you will show them all and prove all the doubters wrong.
9.  It's ok to put yourself first sometimes. Don't be a people pleaser and learn to say no!!!
10. Never quit taking care of yourself and staying in shape....it's a bitch to get started again! 

Once I got started, it wasn't too bad. I think I could add more! Hope everyone has an amazing day!! I get to go have an ultrasound on my one of my "girls" today. Wish me luck!!!

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 3

Good morning everyone!! I made it home through freezing rain, slick roads, and driving 35 mph....for anyone who knows me well, the speed was more than aggravating. It was a good, but long, 12 hour shift. I couldn't wait to get home and write again.
So today's challenge is to describe my relationship with my parents. This is going to be interesting. We've had our ups and downs, ins and outs, angry words, silence that goes on forever, and some of the happiest times of my life. We will start with my father, but where to begin is difficult without telling some of our story. My mom and dad married young. Late teens or early twenties I'm not totally sure. My older sister came shortly after and then two years later came me. They divorced when I was around a year old and went their separate ways. My sister went with our dad and I stayed with my mom.
Of course I was only a year old, so I don't remember much after that for a while. Basically I don't remember him in my life much until I was in the second grade. I went to visit he and my sister for Christmas and decided to stay. It was so awesome being around my "dad" and big sister! Things were great for a while and I enjoyed catching up as much as a 7 year old could. He would take us down the road to the country store and buy us both a Yoohoo every day after school. I moved back home that summer because I missed my mom too much. I didn't hear from him for a long time and was afraid he had forgotten about me. He would come around long enough to catch up on child support or to drop my sister off for visits. That's when the recurring nightmares started of him abandoning me at a train station. Weird I know. Not sure where the trains came from..... We had a distant relationship until I was 16 and having my daughter. He showed up unannounced with a new girlfriend and then left just as quickly. The next time we reconnected, I was 21, and had just "come out of the closet". I was living with my partner at the time, and he absolutely loved her cooking, so we saw him ALOT! My dad had shoulder surgery during that time and decided to stay with us in our spare room for a couple months while he went through therapy. All fine and dandy, but my dad has a short temper, and when I say temper, I mean more like temper-tantrums! All over weed-eating the front yard....UGH! He had offered to do it the week before, and it hadn't been done yet, so I took it upon myself and did the job. Well that just pissed him plum off! He left and didn't speak to me again for almost a year. Over yard work! My partner and I broke up after 7 years, and my dad disappeared for a while. I guess because I didn't cook much! Since then, it has been an on and off again relationship. I think the best way to describe our relationship is to say it is distant at best. 
My mother.....God I love that woman! She is the strongest person I have ever met, and I will always aspire to be more like her. After my father and her split, she met a man who I would call dad for the next 10 years. He was a hard working man who liked his beer and his women, but when my mother came between either of those he became abusive. I saw more than I should for a small child, but that was no fault of my mother's. She was doing what she had to do. I get that now. As I said before she left him. She was forced to leave my two small sisters behind, and I know she regrets it to this day. I get that now too. The strength I have always seen in my mother is more than astonishing. She had three jobs at all times to keep a roof over our head and food on the table. Granted, we didn't have much, but I never went without and never wanted for anything. How she managed to buy the $100 basketball shoes I just had to have in middle school I will never know. At one time, shortly after leaving the abusive husband, we had no vehicle. We would both get up at 5:30 am and start the walk to town. We would stop somewhere on the way for breakfast before dropping me at the school's doorstep, and she would then trek back across town for her day job. I have no idea how that woman kept it together. I would definitely fall apart. I never saw her cry. Maybe because anything was better than how she had been forced to live for so long. Maybe it was because she was raised in a different generation. I may never know. She has always accepted me for who I am. Even when I came out to her, and she told me I was "going through a phase". We still joke about that. I ask her occasionally when she thinks my "phase" will end. She has never talked down to me or my lifestyle. She even has started cracking "straight" jokes with me! It's hilarious! I have never laughed so hard with my mother as the day she said while driving: "You can't go straight" in reference to directions. I guess you'd have to be there. This woman is the most amazing one I know, and she comes in a VERY close second to my daughter who I love the most. I pray my daughter and I have a relationship like my mother and I do one day. 
I hope you each reflect on your relationships with your parents today. I know I have.......