So today's challenge is: What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced? Well...for starters...it was a group of experiences that pushed me to my limits of understanding, tolerance, patience, and perseverance. Needless to say, I was at the end of my rope by the time I was done. It was thread-bare and raw. With every emotion exposed for anyone who cared to notice. These experiences were all part of a bigger picture.....walking the road alongside my daughter and her drug-addicted madness.
I really could go all the way back to her childhood and point out things that, I now know, were leading her and I down such a rocky road. One that would nearly push us both over the edge of a never ending chasm. That one word....chasm...is so profound to me. "A yawning fissure in the earths' surface" or "a sundering breach in relations, as a divergence of opinions, beliefs, etc., between people." But for sake of time and emotional energy, I will tell you about the beginning, middle, and the end. The rest, I assure you, can be filled in without words.
We moved to a city shortly after I graduated LVN school in May 2011. Better job opportunities for myself, and hopefully more opportunities for my daughter to fit in. You see, Bri was in what I will call her dark period. The dark clothes, the dark makeup, screaming music, and whatever else she could find to make me cringe. I tried my best to be accepting of the new style she had adopted, but the little town we came from was more than "old school". By moving to a bigger school system, my hopes were that she would fit in better. Boy did she ever!! She started hanging out with kids like her. At first they seemed innocent enough. Possibly kids just going through that phase in their life just like Bri was. By December of that year, things got a whole lot darker. Her choice in friends got shadier, her actions became defiant to say the least, and we started arguing more. She tried to kill herself with 35 Excedrin and superficially cutting at her wrists. It was an obvious cry for help that thankfully I noticed. She woke me in the middle of the night to tell me what she had done. I rushed her to the local ER for treatment. After 3 days in the PICU and another week in the mental hospital, she decided that what she had done was wrong and she wanted to do better. Unfortunately it was short-lived. Within 6 months, she had started smoking K-2, running away after I called the police to report she had drugs in my home, and finally ending up in a drug house 3 blocks away. This was more than terrifying. I searched for her for 5 days before I cornered a young man who was a known accomplice of hers. I threatened him within an inch of his life to obtain the information I needed to bring my 14 year old baby home. I carried her out of that drug house that day and a piece of me died inside. She was covered in scabs from the "pills" (filled with meth) she had been taking and had been bitten by bed bugs. You see, I found her passed out cold on a dirty mattress in the middle of what appeared to be a kitchen with very little clothes on. I took her back to the ER and had her directly admitted to the mental hospital again to have her detoxed so we could admit her to a drug rehab facility in south Texas. Don't get me wrong, I was absolutely terrified. But I was so thankful that she was alive, and I looked at it as a blessing and an opportunity to get my child back. During the nine weeks she was in rehab, I was at peace. Yes, I said peace. I no longer had to worry about where she was or who she was with. I knew exactly where she was and that she was getting the help she so desperately needed. Again, this was short-lived. She escaped 9 weeks into the program and found 5 days later by the police because she was caught shoplifting food from a grocery store.
Let's jump ahead to December of 2013. After multiple violations of the law and her probation, she was court ordered to a juvenile detention center 4 hours from home. Let's just say it took ALOT of phone calls on my part to make this happen. I had to turn my back on my child in court and tell the judge that I did not feel safe with my child in my home any longer. Of course this was due to the fact she threatened to kill me, would not let me leave my home, and bent a very heavy skillet by swinging it at my head and hitting the counter instead.
6 months later she was released in June 2014 because she hit a fellow "inmate" which was grounds for immediate dismissal from the program. The day before her birthday to be exact. I had graduated RN school the previous month and had found a job down here in East Texas. Closer to two of my sisters, nieces, and nephews. Hey! A built-in support group. I up-rooted my entire life to try to give Bri a fresh start. Away from all the bad influences and existing friends. She would have easily fallen back into the same habits. So I picked her up from the local JDC with my car loaded down and the dog in the back seat, and we headed south. She was excited to be out and starting over. I told her she could re-invent herself. No judgements, and no preconceived ideas of who she was. Things were rocky, but good. By September, she was done playing the nice game and went a little bizerk for lack of a better word. She convinced her dad to come get her and move her back up to West Texas. She left me....again. She informed me she was an adult now at 17 and there was nothing I could do about it. The police officer I spoke with agreed....unfortunately.
I have found my own way of coping. Effective? Probably not. But it works for me. I pray one day she will grow up and understand the decisions I made for her when she was incapable. The thing that has probably helped me the most, is NARANON. Like ALANON but for families of people abusing narcotics. I went for a while when Bri was in the first drug rehab. It built a foundation that I could stand on. Sturdy and strong. The one proverb that has gotten me through most anything with Bri...."Let go with love". It means that I can love her with my whole heart, but I am no longer a victim of her demise. She will make her choices no matter what I think or say. Or even how much I love her. I do love her deeply and can't wait for the day she returns my calls or texts or instant messages. She will....I know it....
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