So here it is....I got what I wanted. An opportunity to find myself. I have gone through a break-up, a scare with my health, ups and downs, love, and loss. So much in a month and a half. You would be amazed at how much can happen in such a short time.I read an article several months ago that really touched me and made so much sense. If I could find it now, I would share it with you. Basically, it described how to find yourself, and that meant being alone. To get rid of all the distractions...... the noise.....and just be alone with your thoughts. She's been gone almost a month now and all I have done thus far is try to fill that space with distractions and noise. Quite the opposite of what I needed to be doing. I went through the "I don't want to's". Where I would sit on the couch and just stare out the window. Not really wanting to talk to anyone. Hell, not even myself. I don't mean in that crazy "talk to yourself" sense.
I have found that it takes time for that voice inside you to wake and introduce itself again. Like I said, it was just quiet at first. I didn't like that so much, and began filling that void with people and things. Texting, talking to others, going and doing things. Trying to find that connection again with another human being. I have a feeling I was going about it all wrong. I didn't have the patience for myself....
This morning I woke and heard something. That "quiet" again. I tried to push it away unknowingly. I picked up my phone, turned on my music, started cleaning house....filling a void. Then I remembered what I had set out to do. Not fill a void with "things", but to accept that void as part of me. Understand it...love it. That's when I really heard it. "Hey there. It's been a long time. Where have you been". It was me....that inner voice I had lost in the chaos and destruction called life. At first, I dismissed it as just another distraction. Then a single tear fell down my cheek. I'm not a crier and quite honestly said "what the hell?" out loud in my living room. It really was me. The true, clear voice inside. She was there. She hadn't abandoned me after all. We have a lot to catch up on, and I am really looking forward to it. As uncomfortable as it may be. I look forward to the deep soul searching that is to come, the understanding, the realization of who I truly am, the grief and pain. But most of all I am looking forward to the peace, happiness, and getting to know her again.