Good morning world! Work was great last night....for a Friday! Again I am looking forward to sharing with you all a piece of me. As hard as it is to be brutally honest with complete strangers, it is a freeing experience. Granted I know friends and family read this as well, and that has it's own set of disadvantages. You are afraid of writing something that may hurt some one's feelings or an obscure sentence that is taken in the wrong context. Here's my advice: It is what it is. Don't read between the lines.
So today's challenge is: What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced? Well...for starters...it was a group of experiences that pushed me to my limits of understanding, tolerance, patience, and perseverance. Needless to say, I was at the end of my rope by the time I was done. It was thread-bare and raw. With every emotion exposed for anyone who cared to notice. These experiences were all part of a bigger picture.....walking the road alongside my daughter and her drug-addicted madness.
I really could go all the way back to her childhood and point out things that, I now know, were leading her and I down such a rocky road. One that would nearly push us both over the edge of a never ending chasm. That one word....chasm...is so profound to me. "A yawning fissure in the earths' surface" or "a sundering breach in relations, as a divergence of opinions, beliefs, etc., between people." But for sake of time and emotional energy, I will tell you about the beginning, middle, and the end. The rest, I assure you, can be filled in without words.
We moved to a city shortly after I graduated LVN school in May 2011. Better job opportunities for myself, and hopefully more opportunities for my daughter to fit in. You see, Bri was in what I will call her dark period. The dark clothes, the dark makeup, screaming music, and whatever else she could find to make me cringe. I tried my best to be accepting of the new style she had adopted, but the little town we came from was more than "old school". By moving to a bigger school system, my hopes were that she would fit in better. Boy did she ever!! She started hanging out with kids like her. At first they seemed innocent enough. Possibly kids just going through that phase in their life just like Bri was. By December of that year, things got a whole lot darker. Her choice in friends got shadier, her actions became defiant to say the least, and we started arguing more. She tried to kill herself with 35 Excedrin and superficially cutting at her wrists. It was an obvious cry for help that thankfully I noticed. She woke me in the middle of the night to tell me what she had done. I rushed her to the local ER for treatment. After 3 days in the PICU and another week in the mental hospital, she decided that what she had done was wrong and she wanted to do better. Unfortunately it was short-lived. Within 6 months, she had started smoking K-2, running away after I called the police to report she had drugs in my home, and finally ending up in a drug house 3 blocks away. This was more than terrifying. I searched for her for 5 days before I cornered a young man who was a known accomplice of hers. I threatened him within an inch of his life to obtain the information I needed to bring my 14 year old baby home. I carried her out of that drug house that day and a piece of me died inside. She was covered in scabs from the "pills" (filled with meth) she had been taking and had been bitten by bed bugs. You see, I found her passed out cold on a dirty mattress in the middle of what appeared to be a kitchen with very little clothes on. I took her back to the ER and had her directly admitted to the mental hospital again to have her detoxed so we could admit her to a drug rehab facility in south Texas. Don't get me wrong, I was absolutely terrified. But I was so thankful that she was alive, and I looked at it as a blessing and an opportunity to get my child back. During the nine weeks she was in rehab, I was at peace. Yes, I said peace. I no longer had to worry about where she was or who she was with. I knew exactly where she was and that she was getting the help she so desperately needed. Again, this was short-lived. She escaped 9 weeks into the program and found 5 days later by the police because she was caught shoplifting food from a grocery store.
Let's jump ahead to December of 2013. After multiple violations of the law and her probation, she was court ordered to a juvenile detention center 4 hours from home. Let's just say it took ALOT of phone calls on my part to make this happen. I had to turn my back on my child in court and tell the judge that I did not feel safe with my child in my home any longer. Of course this was due to the fact she threatened to kill me, would not let me leave my home, and bent a very heavy skillet by swinging it at my head and hitting the counter instead.
6 months later she was released in June 2014 because she hit a fellow "inmate" which was grounds for immediate dismissal from the program. The day before her birthday to be exact. I had graduated RN school the previous month and had found a job down here in East Texas. Closer to two of my sisters, nieces, and nephews. Hey! A built-in support group. I up-rooted my entire life to try to give Bri a fresh start. Away from all the bad influences and existing friends. She would have easily fallen back into the same habits. So I picked her up from the local JDC with my car loaded down and the dog in the back seat, and we headed south. She was excited to be out and starting over. I told her she could re-invent herself. No judgements, and no preconceived ideas of who she was. Things were rocky, but good. By September, she was done playing the nice game and went a little bizerk for lack of a better word. She convinced her dad to come get her and move her back up to West Texas. She left me....again. She informed me she was an adult now at 17 and there was nothing I could do about it. The police officer I spoke with agreed....unfortunately.
I have found my own way of coping. Effective? Probably not. But it works for me. I pray one day she will grow up and understand the decisions I made for her when she was incapable. The thing that has probably helped me the most, is NARANON. Like ALANON but for families of people abusing narcotics. I went for a while when Bri was in the first drug rehab. It built a foundation that I could stand on. Sturdy and strong. The one proverb that has gotten me through most anything with Bri...."Let go with love". It means that I can love her with my whole heart, but I am no longer a victim of her demise. She will make her choices no matter what I think or say. Or even how much I love her. I do love her deeply and can't wait for the day she returns my calls or texts or instant messages. She will....I know it....
Saturday, February 28, 2015
Friday, February 27, 2015
30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 5
How appropriate that today's challenge would be: What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now? Not really feeling this whole blog thing today, and was just thinking last night "What did I sign up for!?!?" Maybe this reflection on all things good in my life right now will help wash away the "I don't want to's"
- My home!!! I am a new home owner. No the home is not "new", but it is new to me. It is my own space where I can add touches of this and that, and it belongs to me. I can run around with my hair a mess and no bra, or I can even run around naked if I want to. HAHA No, there are no neighbors so I don't have to worry too much about that.
- A very special someone in my life. You know you are. You make me so very happy :)
- My "zoo"! Yes they drive me absolutely insane, but I wouldn't trade them for anything. When the cats think I should be paying attention to them instead of posting to my blog, a "head bump" makes it worth it. When the dogs need to go back outside after just coming back in, the unconditional love they give in return makes me smile.
- My job!! I absolutely LOVE what I do. Being an ER nurse is my dream job and the most rewarding career I've ever had.
- My family and friends! I have an amazing and supportive group of people surrounding me. No matter how long we go between phone calls or texts, I always know they are there for me and love me just as much as I love them.
Thursday, February 26, 2015
30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 4
Good Morning!!! Hope everyone had sweet dreams, woke well rested, and ready for an amazing day!!! Today's challenge is: List 10 things you would tell your 16 year old self, if you could. This could be a tough one, but here it goes! These are not in any particular order of importance except for #1....
- Your life does not end when you have a child....it's just the beginning to a new story.
- Feeling "different" is OK!
- Liking girls instead of boys is OK!
- Trust your gut. If it feels wrong, then it is very very wrong. But if it feels right, go for it with all you have! Don't worry about what others think.
- Follow your dreams sooner rather than later.
- You are beautiful just the way you are.You will eventually grow into all that curly hair and freckles.
- High school will end and so will all the mean words and rumors. Those that matter don't mind, and those that mind won't matter 5 years from now.
- Never lose the "I'll show you and prove you wrong" attitude, because you will show them all and prove all the doubters wrong.
- It's ok to put yourself first sometimes. Don't be a people pleaser and learn to say no!!!
- Never quit taking care of yourself and staying in shape....it's a bitch to get started again!
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 3
Good morning everyone!! I made it home through freezing rain, slick roads, and driving 35 mph....for anyone who knows me well, the speed was more than aggravating. It was a good, but long, 12 hour shift. I couldn't wait to get home and write again.
So today's challenge is to describe my relationship with my parents. This is going to be interesting. We've had our ups and downs, ins and outs, angry words, silence that goes on forever, and some of the happiest times of my life. We will start with my father, but where to begin is difficult without telling some of our story. My mom and dad married young. Late teens or early twenties I'm not totally sure. My older sister came shortly after and then two years later came me. They divorced when I was around a year old and went their separate ways. My sister went with our dad and I stayed with my mom.
Of course I was only a year old, so I don't remember much after that for a while. Basically I don't remember him in my life much until I was in the second grade. I went to visit he and my sister for Christmas and decided to stay. It was so awesome being around my "dad" and big sister! Things were great for a while and I enjoyed catching up as much as a 7 year old could. He would take us down the road to the country store and buy us both a Yoohoo every day after school. I moved back home that summer because I missed my mom too much. I didn't hear from him for a long time and was afraid he had forgotten about me. He would come around long enough to catch up on child support or to drop my sister off for visits. That's when the recurring nightmares started of him abandoning me at a train station. Weird I know. Not sure where the trains came from..... We had a distant relationship until I was 16 and having my daughter. He showed up unannounced with a new girlfriend and then left just as quickly. The next time we reconnected, I was 21, and had just "come out of the closet". I was living with my partner at the time, and he absolutely loved her cooking, so we saw him ALOT! My dad had shoulder surgery during that time and decided to stay with us in our spare room for a couple months while he went through therapy. All fine and dandy, but my dad has a short temper, and when I say temper, I mean more like temper-tantrums! All over weed-eating the front yard....UGH! He had offered to do it the week before, and it hadn't been done yet, so I took it upon myself and did the job. Well that just pissed him plum off! He left and didn't speak to me again for almost a year. Over yard work! My partner and I broke up after 7 years, and my dad disappeared for a while. I guess because I didn't cook much! Since then, it has been an on and off again relationship. I think the best way to describe our relationship is to say it is distant at best.
My mother.....God I love that woman! She is the strongest person I have ever met, and I will always aspire to be more like her. After my father and her split, she met a man who I would call dad for the next 10 years. He was a hard working man who liked his beer and his women, but when my mother came between either of those he became abusive. I saw more than I should for a small child, but that was no fault of my mother's. She was doing what she had to do. I get that now. As I said before she left him. She was forced to leave my two small sisters behind, and I know she regrets it to this day. I get that now too. The strength I have always seen in my mother is more than astonishing. She had three jobs at all times to keep a roof over our head and food on the table. Granted, we didn't have much, but I never went without and never wanted for anything. How she managed to buy the $100 basketball shoes I just had to have in middle school I will never know. At one time, shortly after leaving the abusive husband, we had no vehicle. We would both get up at 5:30 am and start the walk to town. We would stop somewhere on the way for breakfast before dropping me at the school's doorstep, and she would then trek back across town for her day job. I have no idea how that woman kept it together. I would definitely fall apart. I never saw her cry. Maybe because anything was better than how she had been forced to live for so long. Maybe it was because she was raised in a different generation. I may never know. She has always accepted me for who I am. Even when I came out to her, and she told me I was "going through a phase". We still joke about that. I ask her occasionally when she thinks my "phase" will end. She has never talked down to me or my lifestyle. She even has started cracking "straight" jokes with me! It's hilarious! I have never laughed so hard with my mother as the day she said while driving: "You can't go straight" in reference to directions. I guess you'd have to be there. This woman is the most amazing one I know, and she comes in a VERY close second to my daughter who I love the most. I pray my daughter and I have a relationship like my mother and I do one day.
I hope you each reflect on your relationships with your parents today. I know I have.......
So today's challenge is to describe my relationship with my parents. This is going to be interesting. We've had our ups and downs, ins and outs, angry words, silence that goes on forever, and some of the happiest times of my life. We will start with my father, but where to begin is difficult without telling some of our story. My mom and dad married young. Late teens or early twenties I'm not totally sure. My older sister came shortly after and then two years later came me. They divorced when I was around a year old and went their separate ways. My sister went with our dad and I stayed with my mom.
Of course I was only a year old, so I don't remember much after that for a while. Basically I don't remember him in my life much until I was in the second grade. I went to visit he and my sister for Christmas and decided to stay. It was so awesome being around my "dad" and big sister! Things were great for a while and I enjoyed catching up as much as a 7 year old could. He would take us down the road to the country store and buy us both a Yoohoo every day after school. I moved back home that summer because I missed my mom too much. I didn't hear from him for a long time and was afraid he had forgotten about me. He would come around long enough to catch up on child support or to drop my sister off for visits. That's when the recurring nightmares started of him abandoning me at a train station. Weird I know. Not sure where the trains came from..... We had a distant relationship until I was 16 and having my daughter. He showed up unannounced with a new girlfriend and then left just as quickly. The next time we reconnected, I was 21, and had just "come out of the closet". I was living with my partner at the time, and he absolutely loved her cooking, so we saw him ALOT! My dad had shoulder surgery during that time and decided to stay with us in our spare room for a couple months while he went through therapy. All fine and dandy, but my dad has a short temper, and when I say temper, I mean more like temper-tantrums! All over weed-eating the front yard....UGH! He had offered to do it the week before, and it hadn't been done yet, so I took it upon myself and did the job. Well that just pissed him plum off! He left and didn't speak to me again for almost a year. Over yard work! My partner and I broke up after 7 years, and my dad disappeared for a while. I guess because I didn't cook much! Since then, it has been an on and off again relationship. I think the best way to describe our relationship is to say it is distant at best.
My mother.....God I love that woman! She is the strongest person I have ever met, and I will always aspire to be more like her. After my father and her split, she met a man who I would call dad for the next 10 years. He was a hard working man who liked his beer and his women, but when my mother came between either of those he became abusive. I saw more than I should for a small child, but that was no fault of my mother's. She was doing what she had to do. I get that now. As I said before she left him. She was forced to leave my two small sisters behind, and I know she regrets it to this day. I get that now too. The strength I have always seen in my mother is more than astonishing. She had three jobs at all times to keep a roof over our head and food on the table. Granted, we didn't have much, but I never went without and never wanted for anything. How she managed to buy the $100 basketball shoes I just had to have in middle school I will never know. At one time, shortly after leaving the abusive husband, we had no vehicle. We would both get up at 5:30 am and start the walk to town. We would stop somewhere on the way for breakfast before dropping me at the school's doorstep, and she would then trek back across town for her day job. I have no idea how that woman kept it together. I would definitely fall apart. I never saw her cry. Maybe because anything was better than how she had been forced to live for so long. Maybe it was because she was raised in a different generation. I may never know. She has always accepted me for who I am. Even when I came out to her, and she told me I was "going through a phase". We still joke about that. I ask her occasionally when she thinks my "phase" will end. She has never talked down to me or my lifestyle. She even has started cracking "straight" jokes with me! It's hilarious! I have never laughed so hard with my mother as the day she said while driving: "You can't go straight" in reference to directions. I guess you'd have to be there. This woman is the most amazing one I know, and she comes in a VERY close second to my daughter who I love the most. I pray my daughter and I have a relationship like my mother and I do one day.
I hope you each reflect on your relationships with your parents today. I know I have.......
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 2
Good morning everyone! Or I guess I should say good evening since I am about to head to bed after a 12 hour shift. Day 2 of the blog challenge: Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
Fear #1: My ultimate fear.....heights. It's not your typical fear of heights. I have no problem climbing a ladder or flying in a plane. But get me up the ladder, and I can't come back down. Go ahead...laugh! As you can picture in your mind's eye...me, on a roof, attempting to get back on a ladder to come down....ABSOLUTE PANIC!!! I freeze with one foot on a solid surface and the other on the ladder. I shake and WILL start crying. OK.... compose yourself. It gets better. I discovered this fear when helping my ex-husband hang Christmas lights. No it wasn't on a ladder. He had the bright idea, being 6'3", that he would just put me on his shoulders and I would clip the lights onto the eave of the house. So I crawl on his shoulders and LIFT OFF!!! OH HELL NO!!! I think my fingernails caused some damage, but it was the vice-like grip I had around his neck with my legs that took him quickly back to the ground. Still laughing? Good!!! Not sure how this fear developed, but it is most definitely legitimate.
Fear #2: Spiders....need I say more!!!
This fear developed after a visit to my parents' house boat at the lake. One night after being out at the lake all day, I was walking back through the marina to my car. I had to pass under an over hang and happened to look up......bad idea!!! There were THOUSANDS of orb spiders all over the place. I panicked and ran. That night, and many nights to follow, I had nightmares of spiders dropping from my ceiling as I slept. I have been known to make Matrix-like moves to avoid a spider dropping from the ceiling or walking into a web. A few co-workers recently became informed of my fear of spiders and decided to chase me down with it. Later on that night, one co-worker walked by and barely touched my neck. Already on edge, I screamed, flew out of my seat and tears came to my eyes. No I wasn't crying....he scared them out of me!!! RIGHT?!?!?!
Fear #3: Clowns! This one developed from the movie we all know and hate. "IT"! The creepy little tune from the movie will stop me cold to this day. My ex-girlfriend loved them. The office in our house had tons of clowns. Some on a shelf, pictures on the wall, even the damn rug had a clown face on it. Needless to say, I never went in that room after dark. I swore they followed me with their eyes!!!
Anyways....thanks for reading! Look forward to tomorrow and the next challenge! Good Night!!!
Fear #1: My ultimate fear.....heights. It's not your typical fear of heights. I have no problem climbing a ladder or flying in a plane. But get me up the ladder, and I can't come back down. Go ahead...laugh! As you can picture in your mind's eye...me, on a roof, attempting to get back on a ladder to come down....ABSOLUTE PANIC!!! I freeze with one foot on a solid surface and the other on the ladder. I shake and WILL start crying. OK.... compose yourself. It gets better. I discovered this fear when helping my ex-husband hang Christmas lights. No it wasn't on a ladder. He had the bright idea, being 6'3", that he would just put me on his shoulders and I would clip the lights onto the eave of the house. So I crawl on his shoulders and LIFT OFF!!! OH HELL NO!!! I think my fingernails caused some damage, but it was the vice-like grip I had around his neck with my legs that took him quickly back to the ground. Still laughing? Good!!! Not sure how this fear developed, but it is most definitely legitimate.
Fear #2: Spiders....need I say more!!!
This fear developed after a visit to my parents' house boat at the lake. One night after being out at the lake all day, I was walking back through the marina to my car. I had to pass under an over hang and happened to look up......bad idea!!! There were THOUSANDS of orb spiders all over the place. I panicked and ran. That night, and many nights to follow, I had nightmares of spiders dropping from my ceiling as I slept. I have been known to make Matrix-like moves to avoid a spider dropping from the ceiling or walking into a web. A few co-workers recently became informed of my fear of spiders and decided to chase me down with it. Later on that night, one co-worker walked by and barely touched my neck. Already on edge, I screamed, flew out of my seat and tears came to my eyes. No I wasn't crying....he scared them out of me!!! RIGHT?!?!?!
Fear #3: Clowns! This one developed from the movie we all know and hate. "IT"! The creepy little tune from the movie will stop me cold to this day. My ex-girlfriend loved them. The office in our house had tons of clowns. Some on a shelf, pictures on the wall, even the damn rug had a clown face on it. Needless to say, I never went in that room after dark. I swore they followed me with their eyes!!!
Anyways....thanks for reading! Look forward to tomorrow and the next challenge! Good Night!!!
Monday, February 23, 2015
30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 1
So it has been a while since I've posted....a long while. I actually missed it. Even after only one blog post, I have felt opened up. Like there is another side of me that I have discovered and can't wait to fully understand.
I was challenged with posting something every day for 30 days. So far....not doing so well. I was supposed to have started Friday. Hmmmm let's see if I can do this.
For Day 1: Post a photo of yourself and a description of how your day was
So here I am....now you can put a face with a name.
As far as how my day was, I can't really tell you yet. It's 0634 and I have my cats to thank for me being up this early. Coffee just finished percolating and smells amazing. Now yesterday was a very different story. As you've read before, I bought a house!!! This little piece of property is my pride and joy! It has also cost me a lot of money! (I laugh while I say that) Most home owners know this is common. But the view and atmosphere is so amazing, I wouldn't trade it for anything. So yesterday, I got up early, made breakfast, picked up around the house the best I could, and headed to town. It was a shorter adventure than I had planned. The rain started falling as soon as I left the house for my 25 minute trek to town. Of course, I HAD planned on moving more of my things from storage. All of which could not get wet in the back of the truck. So cross that off my list of things to get accomplished today. I was able to go to the store and get a few things I needed prior to starting back to work tonight. I went to Wal-Mart.....need I say more? UGH! We are expecting a wintery mix of ice and sleet through today, and people down here in East Texas freak out a little with that forecast. So everyone and their extended family were there....again....UGH! I survived Wal-Mart!!! Without running anyone over with my buggy or my vehicle and with very few cuss words, I headed back home feeling slightly defeated due to my plans being changed. I am a bit obsessive when it comes to plans. Don't judge....
I get my goodies in the house and begin the process of prepping for my next project. Staining floors....a first for me. And guess what?!?! The stain doesn't match the existing stain in the bedroom. Luckily, the bare floor to be stained is in the closet!!! Hey! I can just keep the closet door closed. :)
Next project: lay base board. Again...another first for me. I'm also a little obsessive about reading directions. So, to lay the base board, I have to set up my new air compressor and brad-nailer. This took me approximately an hour. Who knew this could be so time consuming? I get my corner pieces put in, and prepare to lay the actual base board. I then have to prepare my new miter saw I bought to cut the board. I believe I mentioned once before how expensive home ownership can be. Not to mention, more directions I have to read through. After an extensive argument with the other person in the house (who thinks she is helping) over which 45 degree angle to cut it at, the piece is nailed into place. (BTW I won that argument) The "helper" was supposed to measure the wall and didn't. Therefore the piece was not long enough and ANOTHER trip to Lowe's is needed for more baseboard. TYVM. I had decided to do that another day since it is still pouring down rain. So we'll move on for now. I will skip all the particulars of my next project other than to say I will never hang another ceiling fan in my lifetime!!! I will pay MORE money to have it done by a professional, because that was pure hell!!!
Needless to say, yesterday was very rewarding for me. I felt very accomplished....and exhausted! East Texas is a good place for me. I have stepped out of my comfort zone, away from the bustling of city life, and feel peace. So where ever you are....enjoy the view and take a moment to be at peace.
I was challenged with posting something every day for 30 days. So far....not doing so well. I was supposed to have started Friday. Hmmmm let's see if I can do this.
For Day 1: Post a photo of yourself and a description of how your day was
So here I am....now you can put a face with a name.
As far as how my day was, I can't really tell you yet. It's 0634 and I have my cats to thank for me being up this early. Coffee just finished percolating and smells amazing. Now yesterday was a very different story. As you've read before, I bought a house!!! This little piece of property is my pride and joy! It has also cost me a lot of money! (I laugh while I say that) Most home owners know this is common. But the view and atmosphere is so amazing, I wouldn't trade it for anything. So yesterday, I got up early, made breakfast, picked up around the house the best I could, and headed to town. It was a shorter adventure than I had planned. The rain started falling as soon as I left the house for my 25 minute trek to town. Of course, I HAD planned on moving more of my things from storage. All of which could not get wet in the back of the truck. So cross that off my list of things to get accomplished today. I was able to go to the store and get a few things I needed prior to starting back to work tonight. I went to Wal-Mart.....need I say more? UGH! We are expecting a wintery mix of ice and sleet through today, and people down here in East Texas freak out a little with that forecast. So everyone and their extended family were there....again....UGH! I survived Wal-Mart!!! Without running anyone over with my buggy or my vehicle and with very few cuss words, I headed back home feeling slightly defeated due to my plans being changed. I am a bit obsessive when it comes to plans. Don't judge....
I get my goodies in the house and begin the process of prepping for my next project. Staining floors....a first for me. And guess what?!?! The stain doesn't match the existing stain in the bedroom. Luckily, the bare floor to be stained is in the closet!!! Hey! I can just keep the closet door closed. :)
Next project: lay base board. Again...another first for me. I'm also a little obsessive about reading directions. So, to lay the base board, I have to set up my new air compressor and brad-nailer. This took me approximately an hour. Who knew this could be so time consuming? I get my corner pieces put in, and prepare to lay the actual base board. I then have to prepare my new miter saw I bought to cut the board. I believe I mentioned once before how expensive home ownership can be. Not to mention, more directions I have to read through. After an extensive argument with the other person in the house (who thinks she is helping) over which 45 degree angle to cut it at, the piece is nailed into place. (BTW I won that argument) The "helper" was supposed to measure the wall and didn't. Therefore the piece was not long enough and ANOTHER trip to Lowe's is needed for more baseboard. TYVM. I had decided to do that another day since it is still pouring down rain. So we'll move on for now. I will skip all the particulars of my next project other than to say I will never hang another ceiling fan in my lifetime!!! I will pay MORE money to have it done by a professional, because that was pure hell!!!
Needless to say, yesterday was very rewarding for me. I felt very accomplished....and exhausted! East Texas is a good place for me. I have stepped out of my comfort zone, away from the bustling of city life, and feel peace. So where ever you are....enjoy the view and take a moment to be at peace.
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
So here I go....
Yes....it's taken me over a month to write my first post. Call it procrastination. I'm a master. But as I sit here in this hotel room, I feel....inspired. I have my classical piano music playing in the background. My "zoo" is asleep on the bed. I'm stoked that I am finally closing on my first home tomorrow! But I won't be the first to tell you, that sitting in this environment, alone, so many feelings start to flood your head. Yes there is the excitement I mentioned, but with that comes doubt, anger, resentment, loneliness, anxiety....shall I go on? Did I mention it's freezing in here?! Damn hotel thermostats are finicky little creatures.
Doubt, a status between belief and disbelief, involves uncertainty or distrust or lack of sureness of an alleged fact, an action, a motive, or a decision. Buying a house! WOW!! I'm 33 and finally taking the big step at owning my first home!! Nothing massive or fancy, but it will be mine! To do with what I want. What a huge commitment! As a very wise woman I know said to me "Up to your asshole is debt!" Gee thanks! Do I paint it this color or that? Did I just bite off more than I can chew? What if something breaks? Can I fix it? Oh mercy! Did your head just start spinning too?
Anger, a strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong; wrath; ire. Neither of us have the time or mental strength to deal with the anger issues I have. Don't get me wrong. I am not a person that walks around angry at the world. Far from it actually. Not sure who came up with the saying "Those that anger you, control you", but it has changed my life. So we will move on for now. That may be another blog in itself!
Resentment, the feeling of displeasure or indignation at some act, remark, person, etc., regarded as causing injury or insult. The only thing currently injured is my feelings. Let me just start by telling you that I moved down to Podunk East Texas from a bigger Podunk Texas for my daughter who has struggled the last few years with mental illness and drug abuse (yes I'm 33 and have a daughter old enough to abuse drugs). I thought it would be best for her to get out of rehab and start over in a new place with new friends and a new identity. She had built in friends here with 5 cousins, two of my sisters, and a head start on fitting in. That lasted about 3 months and she left me to go back to her old friends and old identity. I love my job as a nurse in a local ER and decided to stay. I resent the fact that she left me, that I moved my entire life for her and she didn't care. I wish she was here with me and we were moving into our first home together. But enough of that drama, I've had 5 months to dwell on that issue and I really just need to get over it and move on. Maybe I will....
Loneliness, no definition needed. OK....I see where I am headed with this post. Depressing!!! I guess my point I want to make, is that no matter what thoughts you have in your head when you are sitting in a cold dark hotel room (isn't there a song about that??) you make the choice of how you WANT to feel. Push the doubt, anger, resentment, loneliness, and anxiety away! I am choosing now to feel only excitement for my big day tomorrow!!!
Doubt, a status between belief and disbelief, involves uncertainty or distrust or lack of sureness of an alleged fact, an action, a motive, or a decision. Buying a house! WOW!! I'm 33 and finally taking the big step at owning my first home!! Nothing massive or fancy, but it will be mine! To do with what I want. What a huge commitment! As a very wise woman I know said to me "Up to your asshole is debt!" Gee thanks! Do I paint it this color or that? Did I just bite off more than I can chew? What if something breaks? Can I fix it? Oh mercy! Did your head just start spinning too?
Anger, a strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong; wrath; ire. Neither of us have the time or mental strength to deal with the anger issues I have. Don't get me wrong. I am not a person that walks around angry at the world. Far from it actually. Not sure who came up with the saying "Those that anger you, control you", but it has changed my life. So we will move on for now. That may be another blog in itself!
Resentment, the feeling of displeasure or indignation at some act, remark, person, etc., regarded as causing injury or insult. The only thing currently injured is my feelings. Let me just start by telling you that I moved down to Podunk East Texas from a bigger Podunk Texas for my daughter who has struggled the last few years with mental illness and drug abuse (yes I'm 33 and have a daughter old enough to abuse drugs). I thought it would be best for her to get out of rehab and start over in a new place with new friends and a new identity. She had built in friends here with 5 cousins, two of my sisters, and a head start on fitting in. That lasted about 3 months and she left me to go back to her old friends and old identity. I love my job as a nurse in a local ER and decided to stay. I resent the fact that she left me, that I moved my entire life for her and she didn't care. I wish she was here with me and we were moving into our first home together. But enough of that drama, I've had 5 months to dwell on that issue and I really just need to get over it and move on. Maybe I will....
Loneliness, no definition needed. OK....I see where I am headed with this post. Depressing!!! I guess my point I want to make, is that no matter what thoughts you have in your head when you are sitting in a cold dark hotel room (isn't there a song about that??) you make the choice of how you WANT to feel. Push the doubt, anger, resentment, loneliness, and anxiety away! I am choosing now to feel only excitement for my big day tomorrow!!!
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